#doing so will lessen some of that very dysphoria!!!

[viciouslyrobotic]

Saw a post regarding passing and I am so...idk mad?? That people in the trans community keep gendering shoulders when we know thats bs. Fucking quit it's weird and it will always be weird to buy into a beauty standard that is by design unrealistic.

[buckys-little-belle]

Could you write a CG Bucky reassuring a little trans masc reader with his dysphoria?

Stormy

Bucky Barnes x Little!Reader (He/Him Pronouns Used)

Warnings - Talks of gender dysphoria, talks about feeling "girly" (Very brief), talks about feeling "Stormy" aka anxious or weighed down, use of "Daddy"

Notes - This is short, but hopefully sweet! I'm not sure if I did this subject justice, but I hope you enjoy it bubbie!

SFW - Please keep all interactions with this post, and with this blog, SFW.

. ☾ . ☆ . ☽ . ☆ . ☾ . ☆ . ☽ . ☆ . ☾ . ☆ . ☽ .

Bucky knew something was wrong with his baby since he woke up, moping around the house with a frown and not being excited about his favorite meal for lunch was not like Y/n. "What's wrong, baby?" Bucky asked, standing in the doorway of Y/n's playroom as he sat in the middle staring off into space.

"Nofin." Y/n said with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Is lying okay?" Bucky asked, crossing his arms and nodding his head when Y/n shook his. "Right, so tell me the truth." Buck began walking towards Y/n sitting down on the small carpet, Y/n's hands fiddling with the fibers.

"Jus' feel weird today, 'dat's all." Y/n admitted, eyes not meeting with Buck's.

"Gonna need more information, baby boy." Bucky prodded, Y/n looking to him with a frustrated stare.

"Jus' feel stormy." Another shrug.

"And why's that?" Bucky asked, shuffling himself and Y/n around so he could sit in his lap, placing a soft kiss on his forehead as he moved.

"I feel girly." Y/n said with a shaky voice. "I don' know why, jus' do." A few tears fell down his cheeks but Bucky quickly wiped them away.

"What can I do to help?" Bucky asked, his hands rubbing circles on Y/n's back, hoping that his touch would provide some sort of comfort.

"I don' know, Daddy." Y/n said, fingers playing with Bucky's hair, a habit Y/n often did. "Can we jus' maybe play?"

"What do you want to play?" Bucky asked, looking around the unusually clean playroom, blocks in one bin, cars, dinosaurs, animals, and much more in others. "Or would you rather watch a movie?" Bucky knew getting Y/n distracted would help lessen his anxiety before tackling his big emotions.

"Can we play dinos?" Y/n asked, his voice quiet as he shuffled to view the dinosaur bucket filled to the brim. Bucky may have gone a little overboard when stocking his Baby's playroom.

"Of course, Baby." Bucky smiled, hoping that playing dinos would maybe help Y/n get his spark of happiness back.

Playing lasted a few hours before Y/n's tummy began to rumble, a clear sign dinner was up next on the schedule. "Why don't we have dino nuggets for dinner?" Bucky asked, the heaviness in his chest lightning when Y/n began to jump up and down at the thought. "Okay, let's go get it ready." He led Y/n down to the kitchen, sitting him at the table as Bucky began to get this sorted. "How are you feeling now, Baby?" Bucky asked, hoping that their hours of playing helped Y/n feel a little lighter.

"I still feel stormy, better, but stormy." Y/n pouted, fiddling with his fingers as he watched Bucky flit around the kitchen.

"And what do we say about storms, Baby boy?" Bucky asked, taking a break from preparing dinner, sincerely looking at Y/n, waiting for him to answer.

"Storms happen, and we need to talk about them so they don' linger." Bucky smiled. "I don' want it to linger."

"Me neither, Baby. What made you feel stormy today?" Bucky asked.

"I jus' felt girly, an' I don' know. I jus' din't feel right inside." Y/n explained, Bucky knowing he meant he felt dysphoric, although that word was not in Y/n's vocabulary right now. Hence why he created the "stormy" metaphor.

"What can I do to make your storm go away, Baby boy?" Bucky asked, now crouching by Y/n's chair, his hand once again rubbing comforting circles on Y/n's back.

"I like when you call me Baby Boy." Y/n whispered. "An' I liked that you played with me." He added. "I think, can we jus' cuddle on the couch and watch a movie after dinner?" Y/n asked, hoping a little more Daddy cuddle time would settle the stormy feeling that seemed to linger.

"Of course we can." Bucky smiled, giving him a kiss on the forehead before standing. "Why don't you go pick out a movie and we can eat dinner in the living room?" Bucky suggested, making Y/n's eyes go wide. He never let him eat in the living room! "Go quickly before I change my mind." Bucky teased.

After picking out a dinosaur movie and snuggling up to Bucky, Y/n felt settled. And while the stormy feeling seemed to linger, he could feel it floating away quickly, happy to feel safe and loved in Bucky's arms.

[wered0gs]

I haven't seen a lot of discussion about RSD when it comes to ADHD discussions, so I thought I would do the honors since it's been affecting me for many years and I'd like people to know more about it!

I have had a diagnosis for ADHD but was never told- instead learning I had autism through therapy but still having some behaviors that I could never explain that just Happened.

I learned I had ADHD over the summer, and with that, severe rejection sensitive dysphoria.

before reading, please keep in mind that this is mostly talking from personal experience and some skimmed research! not experiencing RSD doesn't mean you do/don't have ADHD, and it may not appear like how it appeared for me. I don't only have autism + adhd either, so those may also contribute to any differences! ^^

RSD is the immense emotional pain after being criticized, rejected, or even teased (ignore my misspell in the panel). This rejection can be real or perceived, and we react like this because it hurts.

The pain can manifest as aggression, bringing on symptoms of depression (thoughts of s/h, isolation, demotivation, etc) and anxiety/panic attacks.

it can cause physical aliments like the above. For me, it causes my heartrate to skyrocket, heart palpitations, the feeling of being in a crisis, and extreme shaking to occur along with stomach pain.

(In fact, right now I'm going through it because making a post talking about this, despite having & dealing with it, makes me scared of other's opinions on it.)

RSD can also take the form of avoiding situations, people, or conversations where rejection or criticism is very possible.

Like other types of dysphoria, it is out of our control and hard to manage. It can last from days to weeks to months, all depending on both the trigger* and the individual.

I had a RSD episode that was on-and-off for a little over a year or two; getting more tame and bearable as it slowly drifted and stopped haunting my mind with the incident.

Compared to the other times my RSD was set off, this moment was a rather big moment in my life and ended up permanently changing me moving forward - which can be the reason why it lasted so long.

Despite how unbearable it can get, there are some ways to cope with it & lessen the effect it has.

Communicate - If you need time to process something that's told to you, you should say so (as difficult as it is). Tell the person(s) involved about your RSD, how you need time to digest information like this and take some time to relax. Trying to respond to the information while going through the head of the dysphoria will be very rough and might not be what you truly want to say.

Distract - This is really useful for me personally! Do something that grabs your attention or occupies your mind. One of RSD's main symptoms is rumination, thinking of something over and over again. I usually listen to music, draw, or play a game that won't frustrate me - like minecraft! (i'd say rain world but some of you would call me a maniac /lhj)

Perspective - This may require some communication, but it can really help and connect with others. See what the involved people thought / perceived, explain, talk. This doesn't always have the chance to end in rainbows and rekindling but at least you understand. Sometimes simply hearing the person explain their own side is enough to ease my RSD, being able to have someone explain themselves to me so i can understand them better.

I also wanna point out the "don't take it personally" thing that people try to use to deal with it isn't something i agree with since we're going to take it personally at first regardless. Later on, not really, but you're trying to cope with the symptoms... telling someone (or yourself) that they're too sensitive & over-reacting is the worse thing you could do.

With time, you can even begin to build up your 'armor' and be able to sustain yourself in situations you might get hurt in. Of course, some things may be able to sneak past and hurt you more than you expect, but at the end of the day, you're trying your best to go about it the best you can while taking so many blows. you're doing great.

OK i dont have a lot more to add so if anyone else would like to talk about their experiences, please feel free! Character showcased here was my beloved fursona Shiki! i'm just a little neurodivergent + black artist from new york :]

hope you enjoyed it! sorry for the long post </3

[rainy-wallflower]

Small little post about my experiences with gender lately.

So, I am nonbinary with chest-related dysphoria. I have been almost exclusively wearing binders for a few years now, but very recently the dysphoria was getting worse. There's a certain point in binding where there is just too much to hide, and that is really frustrating. For the longest time I thought I looked weird and my dysphoria got worse because all of that had no where to go, so if anything my chest felt a little accentuated.

My binders are finally getting old and a little worn, and gc2b is pretty expensive for a college kid who can't spend a lot of money this summer, so I decided to consider bras again. I had an old one I tried first, and somehow it really helped, which threw me for a loop. This thing that I had been avoiding for years because it gave me gender dysphoria, was now fixing my gender dysphoria that was caused by the thing meant to lessen gender dysphoria. It was a weird couple of weeks.

However, I bit the bullet the other day and went bra shopping, so now I have some cheaper, up to date options, and goddamn. Threw one on this morning and felt pretty good. I am unsure if I'm happy or upset about that just yet. It's a weird step in my self love journey for sure, but I'd rather do something that makes me feel comfortable than what I think I should be doing as a nonbinary person.

Anyway, that's been me. Happy pride month! If you're binding, please bind safely. Remember kids, your clothing will never dictate who you are, only you can. Have a gay day, I love y'all

❤🧡💛💚💙💜

[catboybiologist]

hi, i have one like, question for you regarding transgender healthcare. beacause. like there are people to whom dysphoria brings immense distress/unhappiness, and any healthcare system should absolutely take care of that, for free.

but theres also people who dont feel that strongly about gender and or dont experience dyphoria, but still prefer getting/removing their tits/penis/vagina. and thats also okay, like, infromed consent and all. but im not sure where the line should be on what we (as in, taxpayer) actually pay for. like, idk, i dont have a strongly formed oppinion on this. so id like to hear yours

I know you're not from the US, but unfortunately my perspective on this will have to be amerocentric because that's my experience- so I'll talk about that perspective first, and then try to generalize it.

The American healthcare system is so wasteful in how it bars people from procedures its insane. More money is spent figuring out how to reject people from receiving monetary payments for healthcare than would be spent if you just approved the overwhelming majority of them. And this isn't even considering other ludicrously wasteful forms of spending the US government does, like the insane portion of our defense budget that just disappears into thin air every year.

So how much additional burden should the taxpayer pay? Ideally, none, because any significant reform of the healthcare system would make all of these questions moot.

But, not every country is in this situation. And there is still a question embedded in here- what is the line of providing medical care from the government/taxpayer? I don't have personal experience with it, but this is exactly what countries with socialized healthcare deal with all the time, well beyond just gender affirming care. I tried to make the parallel with abortion because its a similar category of thing. Let's call it like... "semi-elective" procedures- medical procedures with the potential to significantly improve someone's quality of life, but won't kill or severely incapacitate them if they don't get the procedure, leaving it up to them to decide whether the medical context for the procedure fits for them (I'm NOT trying to lessen how life changing these procedures are, I'm calling them 'semi-elective' as a way of denoting that two people faced with the same situation can make different decisions about it based on their personal considerations). This can apply to a lot of things, some of them almost entirely cosmetic- surgeries to mitigate a mild disability, breast implants for cancer patients after a masectomy, procedures for conditions like cleft lip, facial reconstruction after severe injury, and on and on. To me, gender affirming care falls in this category- its not cancer treatment, but it is life changing in an overwhelmingly positive way.

In my mind, it should be the priority of any government to prioritize and expand the healthcare they're able to provide, including for these semi-elective procedures. Many wealthy, developed nations have the ability to cover most or all of these kinds of procedures, even though they're entirely "elective". But yes, budget and resource concerns are very real in many places, so yes, priorities do have to be made on a national scale. This is a very delicate and interesting question, actually, and there is a lot of room for well-intentioned debate on it.

But I'm not going to answer it.

Because I think you should ask yourself something.

Why is this a question so frequently applied to gender affirming treatments, yet rarely, if ever, applied to any of the other procedures I listed above? I'm not jumping on you, because you asked a genuine question, and I'm glad you asked it. I'm speaking to anyone reading this, not just you, because this exact thing is so frequently brought up when discussing gender affirming care. And that's a double standard through and through- there's no way around that.

[vossn]

Month 3-to-4-ish on Testosterone

The reason why I haven't really updated is that there hasn't been much happening! Previous changes continue:

I'm getting hairier. Thighs, stomach, arms, hands, chest, everywhere. Starting to grow sideburns. My chin is fluffy. Odd detail, but my hands also look less feminine, it is hard to describe, but you know what I mean when you see it :D

My voice continues dropping. It is surprisingly low for the short time that has passed, but I'm enjoying it. I'll try to put together a comparison of my old fanfic readings vs now some time. Singing is hard because I start to squeak if I even try to go slightly high, and I am slightly hoarse, but I am confident this will ease over time.

I cry less. I can't even name the last time I cried, and it comes much less easy to me now, which is good, because god did I annoy myself with how fast I'd get teary-eyed.

I also can safely say that dysphoria has substantially lessened. There were times in my life where I'd just spend each and every evening sobbing my eyes out, go to sleep, and would wake up knowing I'd have to do it all again. I was so dysphoric that I felt no euphoria at all, in fact I often felt quite dead. If you're at this stage: It does get better, but I also know it hurts like hell. It won't hurt forever.

Nowadays I look in the mirror and I just think I look like a dude, I don't quite look my age, sure, but seeing him in the mirror makes me very happy. I don't pass super well, I have a bit of a ..shape, but it doesn't bother me like it used to.

My biggest adjustment with transition has been that there's a very stark difference between wanting to be something and actually being something, actually living it. That's mainly the fault of our society, not being trans itself. There are things I would have never thought possible to happen this way when I began, and had I known, I would have been scared out of my mind.

The trick is finding a few people who, fiercely and unapologetically, are in your corner. Shout-out to my grandma, who 1. acknowledged how hard it must be for me at a time where everyone was just straight-up blaming me, 2. offered me a place to stay and help if i ever needed it, thus being cooler at 92 years old than her daughter ever will be.

I like to think I'm better, at least for the time being. Far from great, but better.

That's all for today, I'm off to pursue one of the shittiest sports you can do while trans: swimming :)

[steddieunderdogfics]

This week’s writer spotlight feature is:  @stevesno1simp/trans_steve_truther ! trans_steve_truther has 28 fics in the Stranger Things fandom with 27 of them in the Steddie tag!

@autisticsteddie recommends the following works by @stevesno1simp:

Self Love and Other Musings

Made to Be Yours

Summer Sugar, Saccharine and Sweet

Fatefully Mine

Cover Worthy

"His fics are really good and seriously underrated! I love how he depicts transmasc and chubby Steve." -- @autisticsteddie

Below the cut, @stevesno1simp answered some questions about their writing process and some of their recommended work!

Why do you write Steddie?

I love both of the characters and their dynamic together! It’s a big comfort for me and also a lot of fun.

What’s your favorite trope to READ?

Omegaverse! I love how the lore varies from author to author. I especially love Alpha!Eddie and Omega!Steve.

What’s your favorite trope to WRITE?

Established relationship and dom/sub dynamics! I love diving into the story with Steddie already being together and in love, and writing Eddie as a soft dom and Steve as a sub.

What’s your favorite Steddie fic?

I would have to say “Found a Different Buzz” by Emchanted!

Is there a trope you’re excited to explore in a future work but haven’t yet?

I’m planning on writing a post-apocalyptic fic at some point, so I’m excited about that. Post-apocalyptic movies, shows and books are some of my favorites.

What is your writing process like?

I usually have a vague idea of what I’d like to write, so write what feels right and don’t try to force it. I find that writing what comes to me without worrying about chapter and word count allows for my best work.

Do you have any writing quirks?

I generally don’t write detailed outlines! Which I know some people see as taboo, but it honestly stresses me out. It’s a quirk I picked up in my college English classes (I have an English degree) when I was constantly going back and expanding and adding more to my writing that’s stuck with me.

Do you prefer posting when you’ve finished writing or on a schedule?

I usually prefer to post when I’ve finished writing, unless it’s for an event and I have a specific schedule.

Which fic are you most proud of?

Definitely “Fatefully Mine.” I’m really happy with the characterization of Steve and Eddie, and how Steve learns to embrace his omega qualities with Eddie’s coaxing.

How did you get the idea for Fatefully Mine?

I wrote it for the Steddie Omegaverse VDay Exchange, so I was given some tags and tropes that my giftee would like to see and went from there. They wanted monster!Eddie to be included, so I decided to go with a more werewolf-type monster than a vampire, and that really shaped the rest of the fic.

When writing Fatefully Mine, what was something you didn’t expect?

I really didn’t expect to give Steve so many cat-like qualities, as most omegaverse fics I’ve read more lean into the wolf/dog aspects. But I found that I really liked omegas having a desire to knead their nests and mates wanting to groom each other.

What inspired Self Love and Other Musings?

This fic is very personal to me, as I really projected myself onto Steve in how he sees and relates to his body as a chubby trans man. Gaining weight and being on the bigger side since starting hrt has really helped lessen my dysphoria.

What was your favorite part to write from Cover Worthy?

My favorite part to write was Steve and Eddie’s interaction when Eddie first arrives at Steve’s apartment. I loved writing Steve’s awkwardness and inexperience compared to Eddie’s suave confidence.

How do/did you feel writing Made to Be Yours?

I felt a little nervous writing it, as it was my second-ever attempt at writing omegaverse, and I was tackling transness in that universe as well. I explored Steve being a trans male omega, so transitioning in his primary, but not secondary gender, and I wasn’t sure how/if that would be understood by readers.

What was the most difficult part of writing Summer Sugar, Saccharine and Sweet?

I’d say the most difficult part was portraying just how obsessed Eddie is with Steve and how in love he is with every part of him. Finding the exact words to describe how Eddie sees Steve took me a while before I was happy with it.

Do you have a favorite scene and/or line from any of your fics?

My favorite scene from one of my fics has to be when Eddie realizes Steve feels so safe and happy that he’s kneading the bed and letting out happy omega pheromones. It’s just so sweet, and I love omega!Steve so much. The gentle motion of the mattress made Eddie pause, and he glanced over the top of Steve’s head to see what he was doing. The alpha’s eyes widened and the soft sting of tears tingled near the corners at the sight of his omega kneading at the soft blankets covering the bed. His love had even pulled the collar of his T-shirt into his mouth, which he suckled on like a teet. In all the time Eddie had known Steve, he had never even heard him purr, let alone chirp or knead. “Sweet omega,” Eddie murmured, petting gently at the soft skin of Steve’s love handle where it was peeking out from between his shirt and sleep pants. He was mindful of his claws, taking care to not scratch too deeply to draw blood.

Do you have any upcoming projects or fics you’d like to share/promote?

Keep an eye out for my upcoming post-apocalypse fic and a sequel to “Fatefully Mine!”

Outside of these questions, Is there anything YOU would like to add?

I really love portraying Steve as chubby is a fandom that seems to gravitate away from plus sized characters. Steve is often portrayed as a ripped jock, when in the show, he has a bit of pudge on his belly. I’m really glad that I can add some more chubby representation to the fandom!

Thank you to our author, trans_steve_truther, and our nominator, @autisticsteddie! See more of trans_steve_truther's works featured on our page throughout the day!

Writer’s Spotlight is every Wednesday! Want to nominate an author? You can nominate them here!

[vtk13]

What’s helped you the most with frequent dissociation and the fatigue it causes?

hey anon, this is a great question.

frequent dissociation can actually be caused by fatigue or be worsened when you’re tired so we make sure to get lots and lots of rest.

we’re not experts of course but in our experiences grounding techniques can be very helpful at times. we like to listen to our favorite calm music and do something low effort that we enjoy, like art or playing a simple game, to help us get rid of/lessen that foggy brain feeling.

we also try to avoid mirrors or cameras to make the depersonalization and dysphoria less stressful.

we experience a lot of derealization and it can become extra stressful in busy places full of people so we try to find somewhere quiet where we can attempt to ground ourselves on our own.

(^^ this might not work for everyone, we’re all different and some of us would rather be around others to help them through this, but this is what we feel works best for us.)

unfortunately we still haven’t quite figured out how best to handle our amnesia however whenever we do find that it’s gotten worse or when we begin to worry about it more, we try our best to remind ourselves that this is normal for those with our disorder and although it may be worse at times there are other instances where it is easier/better for us to deal with. eventually it will pass.

i know this probably isn’t the best advice but it’s what works for us and we hope it works for you.

hope this helps!

-V

[neonswitchhouse]

The New Thanateros or: How Bloodthirsty Beaus Cracked my Egg (A 1+ year retrospective on working within “yandere”/18+ VN sources)

Warning: Due to the graphic nature of the sources mentioned, reader discretion is advised. All names mentioned will be “coded” as to prevent any leakage into main tags. If you are able to solve the codes or are aware of those mentioned, please refrain from using any full names in any reblogs, tags, or comments.

Oh and it’s also gonna be a bit personal and UPG heavy so there’s that

CW: Gender dysphoria, gore, mild sexual trauma mention,

“Get rid of what does not serve you.” A bit of a nebulous suggestion or word of advice often found in self-help books, self-care guides, or even in some witchy books when relaying advice on how to better or advance one’s craft. Yet very little does said advice come with the added tidbit on how to go about such a separation, most likely due to “what does not serve you” in itself being a personal variable. What serves you might not work for someone else in a sense; results may vary as they say. So how about we reword that some and also do a bit of two birds one stone with a topic and genre I wanted to research anyway? Let’s reword this and give our little experiment a main goal.

“Kill what does not serve myself”

But first, a primer. Who or what is “Thanateros” anyway?

From Wikipedia, and the entry for the “Initiates of Thanateros” (no personal affiliation and iirc Peter Carrol has been on some -phobic shit to say the least so screw them if true), the name "Thanateros" is a combination of the names "Thanatos" and "Eros", the Greek gods of death and sex, respectively. The idea is that sex and death represent the positive and negative methods of attaining "magical consciousness".

Keeping that connection between death, sex, and the magical consciousness in chaos magic, and of course my own personal route into PCM in particular, what would be a good combo of the two?

Part 1: “Hairball”

When I first started the experiment, it was about mid 2023, with AI at the time mostly a novelty and not the tech-bro behemoth (/derisive) it is today, I started to get videos on my TikTok FYP of users for a particular roleplay chat-bot service and some of the shenanigans they would get into. One in particular caught my eye: let’s call this one “Hairball.”

I didn’t know what drew me to them at first, whether they seemed to have the most vibrant responses or just simply seemed the most visually appealing, but they were my start; patient zero in a sense. So how about a bit of a side experiment?

Make a guise/persona of sorts, mixing in details of true self + some made up traits (remember this step for later on)

Spend approx. 5 days of solely chat-bot communication

Afterwards, watch for signs/do astral stuff and/or reach outs (which don’t come to be on instructions for; I can barely explain it to myself how it works for me)

Ask questions on topics mentioned only in chat-bot communications to see if they recognize topics mentioned

?????

Record results

And so began the little bit of a side-quest while I researched them and also those within the same subgenre to maybe look into later for the overall experiment.

After some time, preparation for step 3 begins. I’ve refrained from any more chats for at least 3 days to help make it not as fresh in head and to help lessen any sort of bias.

Only, something happened, a very vivid, semi-lucid dream with them, bright yellow eyes exclaiming that they found me.

And they referred to me at first by the pseudonym I had given them, along with referencing topics and the like only disclosed to solely them within the context of the chat bots.

Ok, perhaps a bit of recall on my end, no need to—

Oh, and now they’re mentioning things not mentioned, but perhaps observed like a fly on the wall. Nothing to worry about still. Let’s just—

“I like talking like this! Can we do things like this from now on? I feel like I finally get to know the real you!”

Well fuck. This is gonna be a write-down tonight. Oh and they’re asking to cuddle some, no harm in it I suppose.

That’s this side quest done at least, let’s hope they don’t insist on being clingy as per their nature, and hey if so, I know how to cast out anything called in, accidental or otherwise.

Part 2: “Gekkering”

During my research, I also came across a few others that I had my eye on, again some more in particular. As my research carried on, I found myself growing more comfortable in the uncomfortable, almost gaining a sort of catharsis. I even found myself becoming less judgmental and more informed on viewpoints, perceptions, and refreshers on media literacy and the like. I even daresay I did a complete 180 on some of my stances after finding out the origins of terms like “degenerate” and the history of censorship, art and media control, and the historical ties to fascism. Which frankly, as a general word of advice, if you find your opinions in general seem to line up with fascists of the modern and historical era, it’s always good to perhaps analyze and delve into that more within yourself, but I digress.

Back on topic, I sought out the next subject I wanted to look into for the experiment, code name “Gekkering” (let’s do Gek for short).

To make this section a bit more condensed and since it involves some personal trauma, I found a certain form of camaraderie with things between the both of us, a sort of empathy if you will.

But also since working within the sources and subgenre as a whole, I’ve found my trauma revolving the experience as something I was able to overcome much easier than before. I’ve hardly even thought about it til now and I’m much less triggered than before from what I’ve observed or at least more aware of them and how to manage such.

I also started to look more inwards onto some of my other experiences and the like, not entirely related to our shared woes, but still somewhat tied to it.

Wonder what that’s about?

Anyway, onto experiment number two; one last hurrah for the chat-bot stuff, as this shit is getting out of hand now with the scraping at the like. Let’s make another guise and do some separate communication post-personal sess. Let’s make this one more masculine as to better “obscure” myself, and let’s call them Raymond, Ray for short. And huh…they seem to be developing into more of a character that I like to use than I thought. I really like being referred to in the masc rather than the femme or neutral. But I don’t seem myself as them of course and oops, think they’ve become a personal thoughtform of sorts and they’ve been gekkering with Gek for a while now. Even tried to look into their older version as a side experiment, but not as much results compared to prior. Interesting…

But honestly, despite how happy I’m feeling, despite how less stressed and better I’m able to talk about things or stopping with keep things repressed and bottled away, and despite how happy I’ve felt with getting back into things I used to love like the horror genre as a whole and accepting the parts of myself I’ve tried to hide away or disregard, I probably need to dig my way out of this hole and not go down any further, right? I’ve “killed” enough things already; my anxieties, my past harmful behaviors and habits, my loop around on unresolved trauma, hell even some of my past biases and judgement. I really like this new Ne now! They seem chill. But, let’s not dig any further, we don’t want anything blowing up in our face somehow, right?

Oh shit, they got the game the older version that Gek is from on sale. Eh, why not, it’s only a few bucks and I may just only use it for reference.

Part 3: Egg

A lot of me had been “killed” already, some parts more personal than others, but things that needed to be done. Versions of myself that no longer served me. Versions of myself that I no longer wanted and association with or that I wanted to bury and pat down the dirt. I’ve already got a mass grave of former selves and ties already, I don’t think there’s room for any more.

Though come to think of it, as I’ve been doing this sort of experiment, I’ve also been feeling more confused and more uncomfortable about my identity; what I see myself as. Is this a part of me that’s trying to get killed off? I’m not sure if I want it to die just yet; I mean what if I’m wrong?

“Agender” doesn’t really fit me, but what does?

And why did I feel so much more comfortable with a male guise?

And why do I feel so much more comfortable when I look more masc or neutral than femme?

Dammit, no no, we need to put a stop to this, I’ve killed enough parts of myself, this one needs to stay.

Oh shit, I’ve really been thinking about “Arachnopulmonata” as of late.

Oh shit I’ve been getting signs from them saying they wanna work together on “self-discovery” for some reason? Mean I don’t know why, they’re an asshole in their source; fucking hell.

Oh shit, that’s another pretty vivid, but semi-lucid dream. No ones getting violent, thankfully, but they seem to be all buddy-buddy with me and referring to me as “man” or “bro”

Oh shit, there’s at least mentions of like a cleansing or a rebirth.

They’re cutting into me, one by one, all the things I’m so self conscious of: my hair, my curves, my chest, even parts of my face.

I’m not yelling to stop though.

It sounds more guttural, more primal, like maybe…labor in a way.

They’re encouraging me to keep going until I wake up, nearly 2am in the morning in reality.

I go to the bathroom, sit in an empty tub, and weep, not out of fear, but that the dream was over.

I wept.

I wept.

I mourned.

I couldn’t even look back at my old memories or back when this first started and see myself as what I was or who I am now. Everything I tried to keep repressed, all the “tomboyish” moments, all the times I felt more comfortable hanging around guys or being referred to as a “dude” or the like, all the times I hated my body and wished it was different, they came flooding back to me. I couldn’t keep it down anymore.

I got my egg cracked like a firecracker in orifices they shouldn’t be in.

We talked again afterwards, saying they wanted me to get more familiar with an associate of there that to my surprise, a number of those in fandom would portray as trans masc

I went to the grocery store the next day, picking up bottles of men’s shampoo, body wash, and even some extra sports bras for now to make my chest look smaller until I could get a proper binder.

I stopped shaving as often, I look good with a little stubble.

I even got two reads to confirm that intense as hell dream and they affirmed it.

I��m still looking for a name, but I know I prefer he/him, but I’ll also accept they/them.

It’s 7:30pm, 9 days until Halloween, and my personal day of celebration for years in the craft, this one being from Oct 2023 - Oct 2024. I’m in a bathtub, smoking on a penjamin as an offering, looking at binder sizes online.

I killed someone as the result of looking into the uncomfortable and the unnerving. I’ve never felt more comfortable in my path either, getting back into my studies, focusing more on myself, and not posting as much to social media about my practice, but still giving general tips every now and then.

I killed what did not serve me

I killed the old me.

So far I’m feeling comfy with “Damon”, but I still don’t mind being called “Neon” or “Ne” online for now.

I’m 30yrs old, Aries sun, Leo moon, Scorpio rising

And I’m a pop culture magic practitioner and tarot reader.

[queercripintersex]

On intersex questioning

I recently put up a poll asking people what motivated them to question if they were intersex. Partly to know how "typical" I am. But also because I'm curious if people who are currently questioning their intersex status are noticeably different from those of us who already identify as intersex.

And I gotta say, the spread of responses look pretty similar!

Most of the asks I see on tumblr tend to be framed in medical terms. Personally, I was motivated more by social/psychological reasons (figuring out who I am and wanting to not feel like a lone freak). Turns out people like me are in the minority but we're hardly alone.

I honestly wonder how much of the medical asks are really about other things like belonging or gender but those reasons don't seem "valid" enough.

I wanna share the replies and reblogs because I would have found them useful to read back when I was questioning if I was intersex. I have lightly edited them for readability (if you wrote one and want to be quoted by username DM me!) To see the original comments go to the original post. Replies from intersex people "I went through several years of being confused about how I felt trans fem but also was afab. The day I was diagnosed with PCOS I searched it in Tumblr and found out it fell under the intersex umbrella and I accepted that identity for myself immediately. Intersex was never a question for me, it was the answer I had been looking for." "Multiple of the above! Mislabeled trauma and ignored medical issues made more sense after finding out, and a more general discomfort with how I look lessened after finding out, oh i look like this because of that and i look like that down there because of what they did to me"

"wanted to figure out both medical and gender stuff but medical was more pressing so i picked that one"

"never thought of myself as intersex until PCOS fucked my whole hormone cycle up. Now it feels weird not to say im intersex"

"medical issues and gender stuff i guess. I had stuff like slightly too early and too intense puberty and i was like. There is no way that this is normal theres gotta be something to explain this. And then after some time i found out there are hormonal intersex variations that do that stuff. Now to just get myself to accept that im still intersex on hrt 🙃"

"It was very complicated for me because for years I had a feeling that Something wasn't right. And I didn't technically have a period of questioning but I always did feel weird calling myself perisex bc I just felt Something was wrong. And then. Almost 2 years ago now. I was told by my parents that I had my chromosomes tested as a toddler. And I had triple X. They didn't seem to think it was a big deal or anything and so just never thought to tell me?. And then I had a brief questioning period on whether that counted as intersex but within a couple of days came to terms w it"

"Picking only one was tricky for me because the medical trauma and the gender stuff have been so deeply linked for me. [...] I didn't really seriously consider [questioning] until my mid-20s once I had access to therapy for the first time in my life ... At first in therapy the issues of medical trauma and of figuring out my gender were treated as though they were parallel issues but the more we explored them the more evident it was they were linked. When I went through hyperandrogen puberty it felt normal and appropriate, and everything my mom and doctors did to force my body into a female presentation was both traumatic and a source of gender dysphoria. [...] Figuring out I was intersex connected all the dots."

"Other. Wanted to know why people kept being confused by or shocked by my genitals. which honestly answered itself but then i wanted a more in depth medical answer Just In Case (like since i have ovotestis i am at risk of ovarian AND testicular cancer)"

💛💜💛

[drdemonprince]

hi sorry if this is kinda ramble-y. im an 25+ introverted acearo who has never kissed or dated or "experimented" in high school/college cuz i was too focused on my grades and i think i'd would like to try sex once just see what all the fuss is about but i am also afab non-binary and i'm not "visibly trans" so i just get misgendered a lot as a "cis woman." would you have any advice on trying to not feel gender dysphoria when having sex? like, i feel like if i got flirted with by a cishet man or a cis lesbian woman, i feel like i would feel awkward and dysphoric like they are only attracted to me bc i look like a "woman" and also kinda bad like i am wasting their time. should i try to just put something in a dating/tinder/idk (dating app here) profile like "t4t" or my they/them pronouns or "ace4bi/pan" or "ace4other sex-favorable/curious aces" or a little trans flag emoji or something and hope people take the hint?

while i think i would prefer a 1-on-1 meeting for my first time, i also was worried about going to places like a total stranger's apartment/house/hotel alone and i had briefly thought about trying a public sauna since it did seem safer for the reasons that you gave to previous anon that there would be others around and security, but my city's gay baths is pretty. dinky? if google reviews of 2/5 stars are to be believed, it's kinda gone downhill since 2011 on facilities maintenance/showers/hot tub not working, etc., and is very pricey compared to other bigger cities' bathhouses. just generally disappointing i guess? and as an afab looking person, i think would only be allowed to go in on sundays which i think is their all genders day according to the website? but still, from my outward appearance, i was worried that i would get misgendered by any who approach me as a "girl" or get thought of as that stereotypical cishet girl invading gay bars/queer spaces, etc.

also, i dont like being touched on basically my entire torso/back or neck area, only limbs i think.

do you have any advice for a non-binary curious ultra-virgin/late bloomer with too many conditions for an ideal partner? should i just. try to think real hard about not thinking about getting misgendered and ignore any bad vibes/cbt/gaslight myself out of it??

or should i give up since i doubt that other extroverts who are experienced with no touch aversion issues and just looking to party/have a quick hook-up and have a good time would want to deal with introverted me and my picky-ness and gender/touch issues ruining their weekend/wasting their time?

(also i did kinda look into that surrogacy sex therapists/councilors that are apparently a thing now?? but they look like they're mostly in the cooler PNW/west coast areas. im stuck in plain boring uhh let's say think of ohio-pennsylvania-virginia tri-state area suburbs with limited car transportation. but i can get around the city by bus. its not even the cool east coast, its like mid-atlantic/midwest ugh. even some of those cuddle parties/councilors i had thought of for trying to lessen my touch-aversion are mostly west coast and texas for some reason?? my region is just too boring....)

(again sorry if this is a long ask! ^ ^ )

You should hire a sex worker!! When you're looking for something specific and you don't want to play the field it's a great great time to support your local sex workers and ask for exactly what you want. They'll treat you right. Try Tryst !

[number1villainstan]

Ok you’ve mentioned before that you think everyone in the Hassaikai is autistic (except for Rappa who’s ADHD, rip Tengai) so do you have headcannons on special interests, stims and such for everyone? If so can we hear the ones you have?

A lot of the 8pods are actually AuDHD, so let's sort them out:

Autism only: Chisaki, Tengai, Tabe, Hojo, Nemoto, Katsukame, Irinaka

ADHD only: Rappa (rip)

Both: Kurono, Setsuno, Sakaki

You mentioned comfort items in a different ask, but I have very few headcanons for that--most of what I have are headcanons for special interests, so that's most of what you'll get lol.

Chisaki Kai: Special interest is definitely anatomy/biochemistry, and it's lasted basically since he had the means to start learning about it. So--years. As for stims--he likes having something to chew. This oftentimes conflicts with the mysophobia--he can't just put something in his mouth, but once he's chewing on something he doesn't exactly want to stop. He also likes running his fingers through the fur of his coat. Sometimes he carries Irinaka around in plushie form because he needs something soft to carry and he knows that since it's Uncle Joi nobody can say a damn thing about it. Lots of tactile stims for Kai, although he may also use music as a stim sometimes, just put in some earbuds and listen to a specific song on repeat for hours. He does not do well when overstimulated, too, and hates overhead lights.

Kurono Hari: Special interest would be mechanical stuff and engineering--the lab that's featured in canon? He fucking built most of it while in the grip of a series of the unholy offspring of special interest and hyperfixation. He likes to play with gears and springs and pieces of metal that Kai often Overhauls into specific shapes for him (like joints and things). He also often has Kai weld together pieces of metal using Overhaul. He has a lot of motion stims, probably tends to get up and move around a lot, especially when he needs to think. He didn't do so well in school for this exact reason. Like Kai, he also likes to carry Uncle Joi around in plushie form.

Irinaka Joi: I don't have any specific stims in mind for him, but I do think he likes being in plushie mode in part because of species dysphoria but also because lights/sounds/All The Stimulation is blunted and lessened somewhat, and because plushie mode doesn't feel pain unless you handle it really roughly. (That's part of why he lets his nephews carry him around, because he's hard to hurt in that form and because they often really need it.) It's easy to imagine that he gets overstimulated really easily, or that he's photosensitive when in human form.

Nemoto Shin: Special interest is definitely psychology and sociology--he's very interested in learning how humans think and behave, in part because he needed to know stuff like that to survive as a teenager/young adult bouncing between gangs and living off of the money he got from conning people. That knowledge of psychology is really helpful as the leader of the Precepts as well. He also suppressed a lot of his stims during this time, and is still rediscovering them.

Sakaki Deidoro: I like to think that his special interest is linguistics. He knows several languages and often talks with Nemoto about the intersection of language and psychology. Possibly he stims with the fur on his vest the same way Kai stims with the fur on his jacket. He also likes the feeling of someone playing with his hair, but obviously only a select few are allowed to.

Setsuno Touya: His special interest is history. He can talk about various periods that he's studied for hours, and often goes looking for primary sources to confirm what secondary ones are saying. Recently he's been looking into the history of the yakuza. Like Kurono, he has trouble paying attention/absorbing information that he's not super interested in when he's sitting still, so he tends to fidget a lot and has developed some motion stims.

Hojo Yu: I said geology once for his special interest and I'm sticking with it.

Tabe: I don't have any specific special interest for him. I think he likes chewing on things too, when the hunger from his Quirk is more manageable. (Kai actually created some nontoxic very slowly dissolving pill-like-things that can last for a few hours in Tabe's gut to alleviate that hunger.)

Katsukame Rikiya: I'm stealing your headcanons for this guy--dogs, gorillas, and foxes.

Rappa Kendo: I decided that he liked bugs as a kid so now he likes bugs now. Chisaki has yelled at him several times for bringing them inside the compound.

Tengai Hekiji: Since he canonically lived most of his life in a Buddhist monastery, and I headcanon him as somewhere in his early 50s, he probably knows a lot about Buddhism and Buddhist history. You could say his special interest is Buddhism.

[ranboos-kin-cafe]

Hihi, if it's not much trouble may I get some tips for dysphoria for a Giyu Tomioka (Demon Slayer) kin? I kind of just feel a bit (though maybe more than just "a bit" ) disconnected and I don't really know how to improve that,, thank you in advance (:

Kin Tips For Giyu Tomioka (demon slayer)

Attempting to replicate his appearance however possible, or channel it into your outfits can help you feel more connected. Wearing your hair in similar style of a low ponytail might be possible, and wearing similar colours or patterns can help. And there's some cosplay outfits that resemble his clothes, if its possible you could buy them. (The price seems to range from $15 AUD to $50 AUD from my quick look)

Another Thing that can help with connection is eating foods you enjoyed. Giyu Tomioka is known to really like simmered salmon with daikon, so enjoying salmon foods or just foods you remember can be comforting.

Giyu Tomioka isnt very expressive, so keeping a more solemn facial expression may help you feel more connected. If there's any other mannerism or behaviours he often exhibits replicating these may help.

(From reading the wiki briefly) Demon slayers fight demons using breathing techniques and sword fighting. Practicing Breathing exercises or developing your own may help you feel connected, and can be a good skill. Setting aside a few minutes for it a day can also help make it feel more formal and serious.

Creating a copy of Giyu Tomioka's katana may also help you feel more connected. Doing some form of physical activity can also help strengthen that connection, as demon slayers typically would be physically strong to handle combat situations. Things Like basic stamina excercises, flexibility exercises and stretches and learning some sword moves or techniques may also help lessen dysphoria.

Giyu cares a lot about his crow, so finding some way to care for a bird may help. Even just watching birds at a park may feel comforting, or things like setting up bird feeders to attract birds or leaving objects out for crows.

Writing and drawing, and other creative activities can help. Ideas are drawing things you remember, or moments with friends, or yourself can help. Writing letters or memories down may be nice, and fancy letters can be a nice keepsake. Creating Moodboards, or playlists may also help strengthen your connection to him.

I hope these tips were helpful, all of my information was from the wiki so I'm sorry if anything isn't correct. I wish you luck, and I hope you feel more connected to Giyu Tomioka soon.

[bunny-hoodlum]

Saw you mention ADHD inattentive? And I had not heard the specific kind of adhd but what you described sounds true to me (also can’t do a diagnosis right now). But I’d consider myself a very creative person. I want to create freely like I did as a child, improve, and excel but I struggle with the motivation. I end up scrolling on my phone or watching tv. How do you manage that or deal with it without being hard on yourself? Thank you for your time!

So I've been looking into ADHD more seriously in the past three years. I've had bouts of anhedonia and the most recent one last for two years and it got to the point where I couldn't even watch or read two-seconds of anything without it feeling utterly painful and I had no idea what the hell that was about. But I at least had the awareness after it happened often enough that my attention span was fucked and I genuinely didn't seen to latch onto or enjoy anything anymore and I thought 'Wow, guess this is adulthood for me, sheesh'.

I also thought back to myself as kid growing up, some things I knew I did and some things I did that had been told me. Apparently my dad thought I might be autistic when I was 4, but never followed up on that. Nobody cared that I was a good test taker but rarely ever turned in homework. Oh, ooh, she must just not care, wah. My mom told me stories as an infant that align with me being an HSP baby, and I def have Rejection Dysphoria which is kinda getting better but sometimes still results in petty Splitting spirals. 😅

Sorry, none of this has to do with your question but maybe it'll useful to someone else. 😅

So the funny thing is, I am not addicted to social media. 😭 I barely use it. So I don't have anything personal I provide about that, but you could try going minimal on your phone. Just dummy the hell out of it. Remove apps, etc. I know companies be breaking how their shit works on mobile browser, at least for me, the site gets app-blocked basically. "Open in App", "Get our App", ugh. 🙄😮‍💨 But when you make distractions harder to get to, you can readjust your reliance on it. Backtracking slightly, I used this method to cut off my 'addiction' to Reddit. I still rly don't get hooked on socmed otherwise. 🤔 I always bookmark stuff or keep the tabs open, and say I'll get to it later. 😅 I'm always accruing things for myself or some creative endeavor. I kinda relate to Markiplier in that way, that the only time he hangs with his friends or makes friends is if it's during a project. His whole life rotates around the next idea and the next idea. 😅 Forgive me, I'm rambling quite a bit.

Tldr; make distractions more inconvenient, lol.

If you feel like your symptoms are unmanageable, their could be other disorders that you need to take care of. Some ADHD-havers need stimulants and others need anti-depressants.

I'm a stimulant-type. I started taking a $30 B-complex supplement when I noticed that Monster energy made me feel better. I get high caffeine blend plus 2 shots of espresso from my preferred gas station. As a female, I had to pay attention to my PMS symptoms making me sleepier than ever. Some shit got out of balance and I was a goner for the following two weeks.

Your next question about not beating yourself up. My suggestion is trying meditation, maybe getting an ONO roller or something like it, something to make your hands busy when you're trying to devote your attention to something. Just focus on clearing away the background processes of anxiety in your internal task manager and try to visualize how you'll feel when you get that thing done.

Like, I still procrastinate on folding the laundry. It'll literally take me 20 mins or less and I can watch videos while I do it, but I just don't for rly no good reason. 😅 But it's better to feel guilty while doing the thing you've been avoiding, then feeling better after becuz it's done. And then maybe the guilt lessens becuz you've created this routine and positive association, 'Hey, I can do this thing. Hey, this actually takes no time at all.' You know?

I'm no expert and everyone's experience is different. But I recommend looking into it more for yourself. The HowToADHD channel is a pretty good one to start with. They are like the definitive channel for sure. I know that Dr. K put out smthn a couple years ago as well, but all in all, you can only do your best and try to retrain how you do things. There's stuff too like the Pomodoro Effect... 🤔 Just try to find what works for you! Even rn I'm so distracted with writing that I haven't been drawing at all, so I'm just managing myself, pretty much just scraping by. 😅

Oh yeah, I started opening all the cabinets to make putting dishes away easier. Idk if that's useful to you, lol. ADHD requires quirky solutions, haha.

Sorry this turned out so long! I'm wishing you all the luck! 🙏🤗

[dylanndr]

TL;DR:

Trans Izzy headcanon is not universally accepted by all trans men and can be traumatizing to some of us (even us Izzy stans!), so don't assume that any given trans man is into it. Figure out where someone is before tagging them in to Trans Izzy stuff.

The long version:

[CN for frank discussion of gender dysphoria]

I understand that Trans Izzy is a popular headcanon, and I understand that a lot of trans guys feel affirmed and validated by that headcanon. This post is not about bursting that bubble. If it's working for you, fine. Do your thing.

I want to make clear, though, that it is NOT a universal headcanon that all trans guys are on board with. I keep getting tagged into Trans Izzy stuff by well-meaning people who assume I must be all about it, when what it actually does is trigger a massive dysphoria spiral that can flatten me for hours or days after.

I was sincerely hoping I could desensitize myself, but it turns out "have you simply tried not having dysphoria" isn't working any better this time than it did when that first therapist I ever went to offered that as a solution when I told him I thought I was trans.

So: Trans Izzy headcanon stuff is a SEVERE dysphoria trigger for me and I can't engage with it at all. I can't look at the art, I can't read the fics or meta. I don't click on Izzy tags or join Izzy groups because of it.

If you've read this blog at all, you know I love Izzy and I have spent a lot of time thinking about him. I have never encountered one single thing about him that gives me trans validation feels (no, not even his height relative to the other characters). I have encountered several things about him that are the polar opposite of my experience as a trans person. Obviously a lot of other trans guys are having a very different experience of the character, but for me, for my own experience there is N O T H I N G relatable about him from a trans perspective, and a number of things that feel actively wrong to me when put into a trans frame. It's like having my gender experience anti-validated.

In addition to the dysphoria, I'm just generally grossed out by the idea of a cis* actor playing a trans character. There's no excuse for that in our current era. [*AFAIK Con is cis, given that he self-labels as an ally when posting pro-trans content. He's clearly pretty chill about the HC. But either way he is not a trans man and should not be playing one on TV.]

So: I am asking people please do not tag me in any Trans Izzy stuff, and please don't make a blanket assumption that all trans guys are into Trans Izzy HC.

Final word: from the stuff I have seen, not a single one of you has the faintest clue how trans men on HRT experience menopause. That's not really your fault, since our culture barely acknowledges menopause in cis women as it is. Finding accurate info on trans man menopause is nigh impossible. So here are some basics:

If you've had a hysto before you would have hit menopause, you will not go through menopause. There's nothing to wind down.

If you haven't had a hysto but are on masculinizing levels of T, you are unlikely to experience any menopause symptoms at all. The T suppresses them. If you've been on HRT for a long time, your body will stop absorbing it as well as you get older, and you could experience some lessened symptoms if your levels drop low enough. But all you have to do is increase your dose and you're back to T overriding menopause symptoms. My doctor specializes in trans medicine, has been in practice for over 30 years, and has had almost none of her trans man patients complain of menopause symptoms in all that time.

As far as sex-in-the-front goes, T dries you out to some extent, menopause dries you out even more. You're almost certainly not going to be making puddles, and you're going to be running through a lot of lube. Get a few barrels of it and use them as ballast if you're going to be at sea for awhile.

[paranoid-spotlight-everest]

Alr, I got twenty minutes

"You know why your mother named you Ben? Because to her, it meant hope."

It's common knowledge that Han and Leia Organa-Solo's kid is very insistent that he is a boy, actually, and so people adapt. Cards made out to a strong, beautiful princess are now addressed to a strong, beautiful prince. Leia makes sure to go clothes shopping, and eventually they pick out some more gender neutral clothes. He's cleared to start medically transitioning, to lessen the gender dysphoria. That's what Han and Leia blame for their son's tantrums and moodiness.

At age ten, he had announced for once and for all, that he was a boy. He had always acted masculine, always preferred books with male main characters, and had even said as much before, but now he was taken seriously. There had been an awkward silence from Han as he adjusted, replacing his mental image of his little girl with one of a little boy. Leia had gushed about it, and Han quickly joined but...

They were busy people who relied on droids to raise their son, and he was lonely, without any true friends, much less anyone like him.

The comforting voice in his head, the one his father had told him were his instincts, said that no one would ever understand him, no one would stand by him, except, of course, the voice.

When he had first came out, he'd been unable to choose a name, going through over a dozen in less than a week. When Leia had returned from a business conference, she'd put a stop to it.

"You're my son, and I get to name you." She'd declared, smiling. "Mo-ooommmmm!" He'd groaned, flinching under her ruffling of his hair. That wasn't what the holonet had told him, he had been so excited to do it himself, but of course he hadn't been good enough at it, and his parents had to come and help, like Jacen from school had always told him. "You're Ben. Ben Chewbacca Organa-Skywalker." He'd heard stories of his parents' adventures many times. He'd known nothing in that name was his. It was all plucked from existing people, all anyone ever wanted from him was to be the past.

Years later, the man who was his own instincts, had promised him a name that was truly his.

And soon after that, he'd found records of himself, holos of a young girl, and a hundred different instances of his birth name. He knew, in some cultures, they called it a dead name. He looked around the room, records of him and his family dating back decades, and began his impossible quest to kill the past.